My wife put together a great story of her experience as a ‘football widow’ to a fan of the Detroit Lions:
Beer and blowjobs. These are the two things that as a wife of a Lions fan are essential requirements. Why they are important I will come onto shortly, but first some context…
I am married to a Lions fan. I would like to share some of my experience of what this is like and pass on some advice to other Lions widows in preparation for the forthcoming season. I have been in a relationship with the aforementioned fan for close to 14 years and his Lions fan status has developed into borderline obsession over the past few years. I know next to nothing about the Lions, or football in general, just the snippets which I have picked up from observing my husband, some of which are as follows:
1. When referring to a snap they are not playing cards on the field
2. It is sad that Calvin Johnson has gone
3. That bloke never grabbed the other bloke’s helmet. The standard reply in relation to this for a Lions wife’s is, “Yes dear, the referee was a bastard, the footage was clear”
4. Tight end is a playing position and not an offer
5. Wide receiver is not the nickname given to the team’s most slaggy cheerleader
6. The Super Bowl is not part of your mother-in-laws most expensive fine china set
7. NFL merchandise is ridiculously expensive. Essentially you are paying close to $300 in some instances, which in real money is about £200, for a shirt with a number on it. You can get one of those, for free, in prison
It should now be clear that I know nothing about football. What I do know about is what it is like being the less interested party in the room when every Sunday night is given over to a football game which frankly goes on for longer than is necessary. I know all the hardcore fans reading this will take umbrage at this comment. But seriously, there is significantly more time given over to people standing around, swapping over from offense to defense and back again, reviewing footage, discussing what did happen and then what may happen during a game than actually playing the game of football. When I googled this I found a statistic which revealed that although a game lasts for an average of 3 hours and 12 minutes the ball is actually in play for just 11 minutes. This is what I call “inefficient”. Why not keep that ball moving and leave me having to Reddit for just 11 minutes instead of 3 hours? Actually who am I kidding, I will Reddit for 3 hours regardless.
So, Beer and Blowjobs?
Yes, now onto the beer and blowjobs. The Lions are not very good. Again hardcore fans reading this will probably want to string me up for that comment. But as track records go the Lions in theory are awesome but in reality are not so good at the, well, let’s call it ‘winning’ of football games. The way I have personally found to keep my generally grumpy Lions fan happy is to ensure there is a good flow of beer before and during the game. This way when it reaches the inevitable conclusion it will aid a pissed off man into a drunken sleep. Beer is a friend to both of you.
The blowjobs at this point should be fairly obvious. At a certain stage during the season when it is clear the Super Bowl is a far off dream there are only a small number things which will make a Lions fan cheer the fuck up and one of these is post game sex. When the Lions get shafted, if you want to see a smile on your hubby’s face, it is highly likely you will need to get shafted too. As the new season approaches the best advice I can give is to purchase a bucket load of lube and prepare to take one, if not several, for the team.
